In a shocking turn of events the main leaders behind the 2012 apocalypse theory have decided to postphone the end of the world for two more years. For more on this interesting development we headed down to California where an abundance of conspiracy theorists, and other plain batshit insane people like to socialize. What we did find was odd, but expectable. The theorists told us some interesting stuff, and they also told us how they were just so sorry, but they couldn't pull it off this year. Luckily the head of the 2012 Apocalypse Now! organization was there to enlighten us. Dale Gertvich helped explain the full scale of the dilemma.

     After a lengthy session of ranting, and Dale trying to get us to buy his T-shirts he eventually discussed the matter at hand. The world would have to wait for the gruesome, bloody end of the entire human race for two more years. The main underlying problems were was that simply enough funds, and pylons were not available for the event. A power grid had been set up but unfortunately the planners had overlooked how much upkeep each individual participant, and photon cannon would require. The result was that the preparations that had been set were simply inadequate.

     "There simply wasn't enough resources at our disposal, and we knew that If went we ahead with the events that perhaps every human being couldn't be a part of the horrific, end of all life on Earth as we know it.

     The first problem came in with a shocking discovery. A shipment of boiling hot lava from the Aleutian Islands had been delayed, and then lost at sea. This vital lava would play a part in violently erupting from seemingly random crevices, which the organizers would have prepared, and engulfing teeming hordes of civilians, bringing them untimely deaths. Without the lava many victims may have survived the end, and the number of scorched humans bodies would simply be insufficient for a successful end of the world event.

( Never Forget Those Lost )

     "I mean you can't just end the world any old day. It only happens once, and if you can't have every single human being, big or small, all brought together by the fear of being eaten by a giant, reanimated T-Rex only to be swallowed up by a sea of lava, then what kind of apocalypse is that? It wouldn't even be worth it. You get all these supplies all this prep you think things are going great, and next your vital shipment of molten lava goes down in the Pacific? It was really a harsh blow for the planning committee. Jack couldn't sleep for a weak." Dale informed us.

     In addition to not receiving enough lava the organizers were also dealt another blow when it came to their main financial base. Apparently the movie 2012, which the planners had been hoping to rake in enough money to support the event, had been a massive flop, and had failed even bigger than a certain youths failure with the Big W. The 2012 movie which was supposed to accurately depict the following future firestorm was apparently so atrocious that some said they'd rather commit suicide than be killed in a tragedy that looked as lame as the movie.

(So Horrible Even the Depressed Didn't Want to Be Killed By It)

     "We were really hoping that this film would not only explain to humanity that their prosperous lives were coming to complete halts in 2012, but also secure enough money so that our goals could be met. Sadly not even one man was ripped in two throughout the movie. Some people were even said to have freaking survived in the movie! It was like who ever designed the movie was giving humanity hope that they wouldn't be completely disemboweled come 2012. What the fuck where they thinking?"

Dale moaned as he facepalmed himself.

     This of course lead to the planning committee just not having enough funding to continue. Unfortunately due to these cutbacks the 2012 massacre would have to be setback to 2014. The cost was simply too great.

(Pretty Fucking Expesnive)

     " I mean do you even realize how much it costs to make sure every single living being in South America dies a slow agonizing death in a vat of hydrochloric acid? Do you even once think for a moment to realize how fucking expensive that shit is? We couldn't even order 1/4 of the acid we needed to vapourize those people let alone secure the Earthquake generator that would swallow up South Dakota, and let the giant swarms of flying raptors loose on the public. It's kind of a big deal here. All we wanted to do was press the reset button on Earth, and end the lives of everyone on the planet within a day. We never thought it would be so difficult!" Dale finished with a sigh.