SRS BISNIS ISSUES
"Recently Canadians have been put through a lot of stress via global means, but not by anything we've ever done because Canadians are hella fuckin balls-to-the-wall awesome. This time however the damage hits closer to home. Yes im talking about Diabeetus, beetus, beetus, beetus, beetus."
2. Nebtown Gazelle: That guy population skyrockets
"They also discovered that their very workforce was contaminated by one of those That guys, although he was quick to point out he had a glandular problem. He said he had started his very own Nutrisystem diet, because Jenny Craig is for fags. They were quick to respond that he should have spent that money on a go-kart."
3. Nebtown Gazelle: PSA Elder Abuse
"On the way, our team which were flying the Singaporean Flag, were flagged down by some Russians. They asked them if there was any elder abuse in their country, and they replied, "In Soviet Russia, elders abuse you!""
4. Nebtown Gazelle: New Movie Controversy
"No it's not like choose you're own adventure books, it's every single type of story ever imagined jammed into a tube, sent into space, then recieved on Mars whilst Mars is imploding due to an elite team of weasels, and as the pieces fall onto Earth and as this run-on sentence concludes the film crew quickly gathers up the pieces, slaps on a label, and markets it."
5. Nebtown Gazelle: New Survery Reveals Shocking Truth
"Another 1% of students used superior ninja skills, and opted out of the test all together. Yeah ninja class what'cha gonna do about it Ben? HUH WHAT!? That's what I thought."
6. Nebtown Gazelle: New Disease Hits Asia
"Now granted they both had the same purpose, and the newer place had a bunch of cool "features", which would have been fine IF THEY WEREN'T SO FUCKING GAY AND ANNOYING AND HARD AS SHIT"
7. Nebtown Gazelle: Prototype Somewhat Amusing
"Q: How much does it cost? A: Too much. Q: So how about them Mets? A: Well I'm more of a habs fan."
8. Nebtown Gazelle: Pedophile Van Pricing Rises, Sales Plummet
"With the push to go green comes an initiative to stop driving gas guzzling pedophile vans. This has caused the GM, and Ford to raise the cost of their paedophilia style vans which for most pedophiles are simply too expensive."
9. Nebtown Gazelle: Youtube Threatened By Website That Contains Even More Horrendous Videos
"We went to Youtube Labs. The place where Youtube finds out what people like to watch, and then fucks that up so badly that they wonder why they even bothered clicking on a title labeled Best Video Ever. We learned a lot from these masters of disasters, and here's what the vice president had to say."
10. Nebtown Gazelle: Walmart Rolls Back Rollback Prices
"As many people know some stores that sell things still exist, and they aren't Walmart. Obviously according to Walmart this simply cannot be. Some people with brown hair, and blue eyes still do not shop at Walmart. This can also not be."
11. Nebtown Gazelle: Bishop named Greatest Person In History
"Well I have done quite a few things, I particularily liked inventing a regenerative serum to heal anything, and creating an alternate fuel source for automobiles without any side effects, but the greatest thing I think has to be creating Mars. You see back in the day I felt Earth was just a little too close to Jupiter."
12. Nebtown Gazelle: World Leaders Angered at Alex's Panzy Behavior
"Russia also stated how they just really wish a nice girl like Wren would like them, but I mean come on its not like that's gonna happen I mean she's so hot, and I'm so ugly so... y'know... I'll be fine."
13. Nebtown Gazelle: Homeless Man Finds Way to Reduce Emissions
"Many skeptics of the 60's are coming to realize that even though the 60's did not exist there was a massive jump in emissions from 1959-1970. Despite the fact that the 60's of course don't exist many have begun to speculate. With speculation came an inconvenient fact. These harmful emissions are now at critical levels, and humans are nearing a critical point. If we continue to let emissions grow we will reach a point of no return! "The line... wait for it... is going up!" said a twitchy Al Gore."
14. Nebtown Gazelle: 2012 Postphoned until 2014
"I mean do you even realize how much it costs to make sure every single living being in South America dies a slow agonizing death in a vat of hydrochloric acid? Do you even once think for a moment to realize how fucking expensive that shit is? We couldn't even order 1/4 of the acid we needed to vapourize those people let alone secure the Earthquake generator that would swallow up South Dakota..."
15. Nebtown Gazelle: North Americans Seek Cheaper Holidays
""I gave a man a free window washing for his car, and actually received a christmas card. It has this awesome gingerbread man, and some sort of snowman on it! Kwanza is the shit!" said Reggie a prominent homeless figure in Downtown Seattle."
16. Nebtown Gazelle: World Supply of Marlex Running Dangerously Low
"Other Marlex mines, such as Pinelope Fields, began to report that there was less, and less Marlex to mine. One even closed down after a daily harvest revealed no Marlex whatsoever. Instead a yellowish metal was found, but it was deemed too malleable, and shiny to be used in anything useful whatsoever."
17. Nebtown Gazelle: Anti-Stress Advocates the Cause for Increased Teen Stress
"The host too! That guys in my head everytime I try to write a test. I just blank because he's constantly talking about the fucking goldfish Phil. I mean I study, study, study, and when I get to the test its like I never even did!"
18. GUEST ARTICLE BY BISHOP: Nebtown Gazelle: Outbreak of Mexicans in Ontario, Local Populace Riots (INCOMPLETE!)
"No, I'm saying blacks are fine. It's when Mexicans come in, plant hundreds of thousands of rows of corn, for no reason and molest each other in public that makes me break out in a sweat. I mean, who plants that much corn?"
19. Nebtown Gazelle: Spawnkilling on the Rise in Africa
"The average player of an African server is a complete noob. They range from level 1-14, but they are pretty much noobs when it comes to gametypes like, Economy Race, Expell the Dictator, and Prosperity. The only things these noobs are good at is killing other noobs who play on the same maps as them. I mean half of them haven't even unlocked guns yet."
20. Nebtown Gazelle: Afghanistan Still Like Totally Dangerous
"Despite growing concern that the mission in Afghanistan is growing stale, the NATO troops stationed there were hasty to report that everything is still pretty dangerous, and like at least one person per week still gets like blown up, and stuff."
21. GUEST ARTICLE BY NEON: Nebtown Gazelle: First Successful Teleportation
"I knew it was time to begin experiments once again when the Stargates began appearing once again. They still looked as errors to me, but I knew the static was clearing. I've completely rebuild the Teleporter from the ground up, so it no longer uses Asgaurd technology."
22. Nebtown Gazelle: A New CoD Game Prepares to Defile History Once Again
"The further extent of this badassery was shown in a violent explosive, but still mysterious trailer. However the mysterious atmosphere was killed by the addition of Eminem's "Won't Back Down". Well that is unless your Jake who probably had a ball."
23. Nebtown Gazelle: A Shocking Revelation in Being a Good Demoman
"Later on he was enrolled at the Crypt Grammar School for Orphans in the Scottish highlands where he became a proficient explosives expert. It is said that here he developed a prototype of his signature weapon the grenade launcher. It could blow up many things including one of his eyes."
24. Nebtown Gazelle: British Columbians Temperature Rain Forest Excruciatingly Hot
"The days did not lift of their oppressive heat, and almost all of the commandos lost hope, except one. After the successful completion of Objectives B-Ball, and Root Beer Floats Everyday, I knew it was time. We must complete Objective Helliwell."
25. Nebtown Gazelle: Sources report it's still about two weeks until school
"Sources also reported that procrastination in Nebtowners has gone up around 50%."
26. Nebtown Gazelle: Increasing number of people just need thirteen dollars
"When asked what the thirteen dollars was for the most simply stated "Awwwe nothing." or "You wouldn't understand it." or even more popular the "I'll answer that in a minute, just found a huge gold vein!""
27. Nebtown Gazelle: World anxiously awaits decision of possibly gay kid
"Most of the world is simply puzzled how he cannot bring himself to boning one of the many spectacularly beautiful babes underneath his fingernails."
28. Nebtown Gazelle: Minecraft Update to Bring About Global Cooperation and A Utopian Society
"While some residents on Neb. Town believe that there'll probably be some huge ass Castle built by unnamed sources in about a day, most are 100% optimistic."
29. Nebtown Gazelle: Proven Trollership
"I believe our most gullible troll-bait is reserved for the generations to come, and with the bravery and bravery of our brave Nebtownia people, we will get our society anally anguished again."
30. Nebtown Gazelle: New Study Finds Baked Beans Suitable For All Dietary Needs
"Apparently the key ingredient that makes up Baked Beans, the "Baked" particle, contains every single nutrient known to man. Every single vitamin and mineral are found within it, as well as copious amounts of sugar, fiber, and protein. It literally has everything anyone would ever need."