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Nebtown Gazelle: North Americans Seek Cheaper Holidays

Page history last edited by Bob Dole 14 years, 3 months ago

     In a shocking turn of events many North Americans have begun to reconsider having Christmas as their primary gift giving holiday. With an economic recession still in play many are finding that they cannot keep up with their previous levels of spending, and are looking for cheaper alternatives. Many have opted to celebrate Hannukah, or even Kwanza. These types of holidays appeal to a vast majority of Canadians who aren't religious anyway, and apparently some religious holidays aren't even about mass consumerism! Many Americans are walking into a world where their children will still love them if they didn't get them everything on their christmas lists.

     "I only have to buy eight presents for each of my family members, and they don't even half to be that expensive!" exclaimed Bill a recent convert.

     The shift between religious holidays has been relatively smooth for most partakers. Many who celebrated Christmas before, without a true understanding of why they did, are finding out that other holidays are actually to promote togetherness, and family. Kwanza has become increasingly popular with the homeless, and families with many toddlers, and babbys. Allowing people to make paper fiqures, and use them as gifts has opened up a world of possibility for those previously thought too poor to participate in the holiday season.

     "I gave a man a free window washing for his car, and actually received a christmas card. It has this awesome gingerbread man, and some sort of snowman on it! Kwanza is the shit!" said Reggie a prominent homeless fiqure in Downtown Seattle.

Another supporter of Kwanza gleefully exclaimed how he only had to buy seven little candles to be accepted by his wife. Before he would set up the tree, stand in long lines, and even put up the large bulbed christmas lights only to do something wrong, and not even get any that night! Cockblock!

     Even those who used to rely on the holidays supply of Eggnog to support their massive girths have found reason to appreciate another holiday. Ramadan forces the overweight to be happy, by restraining them for eating or drinking every day from sunrise to sunset. The practice has lowered the obesity pandemic almost two-fold.

     "I lost over 50 pounds on the Ramadan fasting plan. Thanks Ramadan!" squealed a gleeful participant.

     However not all are as excited in the recent uprising of alternative religions. Many companies have been forced to reduce their prices below the break-even point, and they are not happy about it. Walmart was quoted for saying "What the fuck guys, we have like six fucking big screen T.V's here for like less than one thousand bucks, and no ones even bought shit. You should be waiting in line to buy shit for your ungrateful family this holiday season, way to go douchebags."

Some that relied on the ridiculous bullshit that people bought for Christmas have also gone under fast. Scientist have also noticed a lowering of CO2 levels worldwide as fir trees are no longer being slaughtered in the thousands to be stood in living rooms across continent. The greatest loss however has to be that of the joyful little battery powered christmas fiqures. In the last month the little adorable Jazz Santa that plays Rudolph the Redose Reindeer has reached near extinction levels. One Paul Frigol wept openly as he mumbled " Those annoying little battery powered things brought my family together when we stood around it, and wondered why it wouldn't work. Or the times when we finally got it to work, and we stood around wondering why it wouldn't shut the fuck up. I mean thats all we really had as a family you know. Now its gone."

A lack of impulse buying has also angered the almighty economy ensuring that North Americans may be celebrating Kwanza for along time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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